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Anyway, I think healing is a process. I love both of my parents, but I really hope that they start listening to me. The "Daughter's Ten Commandments for Separated Parents" written by Martha Samson pens down what I really want my parents to do and consider--bar none.
1. Talk to us. Sure, separation is a decision made by mom and dad but you're not the only ones whose lives are going to be affected. We deserve to know what's going on. And don't try to convince yourself we don't know something's wrong. We may be young but we're not stupid. We need your reassurance.
2. Never speak ill about our other parent in front of us. If you feel the need to vent, talk to your friends, talk to grandma, and away from our earshot. We deserve to be given the chance to have a positive relationship with both our parents. Please do not brainwash us. Please do not confuse us. Do not trap us in your marital problems.
3. We are not tools for revenge. Do not keep us from one parent to get back at them for their shortcomings. You aren't just hurting them, you're hurting us. Never make us choose between the two of you. Unless it is deemed legally or morally harmful for us, we believe we deserve to grow up knowing both our mom and dad.
4. In the same manner, custody fights? Not fun. As much as possible, keep your children together. We can't be divided like the rest of your assets. We need our siblings for strength. There is comfort in numbers.
5. Keep us disciplined. Feeling guilty about the separation is no reason to be more lax with us. Don't let us go crazy. Don't let us run wild. Remind us that coming from a broken home isn't an excuse to mess up the rest of our lives. We will be thankful for this in the future.
6. Material things won't take our pain away. You can?t win us over with money. Stop shopping your guilt away. Toys and clothes are cool but what we really need is time with you and the security of knowing that things will be all right.
7. Do everything in your power to make our lives as stable as possible. Yes, we now have two homes. No, moving from one place to another is not really fun. But you can make things as comfortable for us as possible. Don?t drown in your own misery and forget that you?re supposed to be taking care of us. You?re not the only one who?s miserable. Remember who the parent is in this relationship.
8. Don't make us feel guilty for having fun with mom or dad. You're not our only parent.
9. We are your children, not your spies. Stop asking us about dad's new place, mom's date, what dad was doing, what mom was wearing, every little thing we did. Don't use us to send messages to our other parent, too. We were there to spend time with them, not be your detective. If you care that much, maybe you shouldn't be separated.
10. Please stop fighting in front of us. Didn't you separate to end all the drama?
XO. :(
